The boys comparing their high jumps.

Many people like to compare the differences between being a boy mom or a girl mom, social media is full of posts talking about it, often trying to answer the question of which is best or hardest. As a parent of both boys and girls I have noticed some distinct differences and some similarities between boys and girls in their personalities and daily interactions. One of the things I have noticed is a difference in the way boys approach social interactions and their methodology of play from the way girls do.

I didn’t always realize that boys and girls played or interacted differently. Growing up as the oldest of seven children all I had was brothers. My first three children were also boys, so boy life was my normal and I didn’t really think anything about it. The way boys played and processed the world along with what they needed to be successful navigating the world around them was just second nature to me. Two things happened that made me realize and appreciate the uniqueness of boys. The first was public school, and the second was I started having girls. Since this post is about how boys play we will skip school and go right to the things I’ve noticed regarding how boys play.

One of the first thing I’ve noticed is competition. Boys play and thrive through competition. It’s fun to them. Everything and anything can be a competition and then, here’s the big difference they can leave the game on the field. Let me explain that a bit more. When we were coaching recreation soccer many years ago we had coed teams. We could put boy best friends on opposite scrimmage teams and they would play their hardest to beat each other. Then after the game those boys could congratulate each other honestly and be done. 

When I coached an all girls rec team a few years later the experience was not the same. If I put best friends on opposite sides in a scrimmage there was more of an interest in making sure their friend was happy than giving everything they had to winning, and also a lot more concern on the color of their jersey. This isn’t to say that girls aren’t competitive, they are and when they compete they go for the jugular. In my experience though their competition isn’t a methodology for play like it is for boys.

An example of this is a trip I took with all of my kids to a local children’s museum a few years ago. There is a good age gap between my oldest and youngest kids so finding a venue that suits everyone takes a lot of effort and patience on the part of my boys, but when they let their guard down they still “played” through competition. They “played” who can build the highest tower while the girls were collaboratively building a house.

They had a who can jump the highest contest, and then when their littlest sister wanted to participate the competition turned into a who can make her think she jumped the highest competition. She is between nineteen to thirteen years younger than her brothers and therefore does not fit into the competitive play rubric. Because she physically could not participate with them competitively they interacted in play with her very differently from each other and their sister who is within competition age. Which brings me to one of the other things boys need in their competitive play. 

Boys need a clearly defined winner and loser, and winning needs to be achievable. It need to be hard enough that they might lose, but not so hard consistently that they can’t come close to winning. If everyone is going to win or if there aren’t any real stakes most boys will just opt out. It simply isn’t worth the effort. There has to be a certain amount of stress involved to make the game worthwhile. This might be due in part to the way boys respond to stress as explained by Dr. Leonard Sax, a family physician and research psychologist who said:

“Girls and boys respond to stress differently-not just inner species, but in every mammal scientists have studied. Stress enhances learning in males. The same stress impairs learning in females.”

– Leonard Sax

(Leonard Sax. AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD, 2025. https://www.azquotes.com/author/50394-Leonard_Sax, accessed April 01, 2025.)

It might just be that boys learn best through their competitive play.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that a boys need to be needed shows up in their play. Playing pretend was way better for my ego as a mom of boys than it is as a mom of girls. When you are mom playing pretend with a little boy you get to be rescued and protected a lot. When you are a mom playing pretend with a little girl you get to be the witch, babysitter/nanny, or random person on the street. This supper cool boy trait of needing to be needed showed up in our museum trip when my youngest wanted to join the who can jump the highest contest, and the boys changed the game to support her.

Boys don’t just spend all their time competing. As mentioned above imaginative play is crucial to their development too. Often imaginative play is used as a way to practice protecting and providing, and I think that is a good thing. I allowed my boys to play with dolls just like I allow my girls to play with cars and trucks and use tools, but girls and boys don’t play with dolls the same way. Baby dolls cared for by my boys when they were little had a much more adventurous lifestyle than the dolls around my house do now. That doesn’t mean they were any less loved or nurtured. It was just different. I believe that allowing boys to play rough and competitively while also allowing them to explore their nurturing tendencies (which are different from little girls) allows them to practice being physically and mentally tough as well as tender, because a good man needs to be both.

Boys also need to physically touch things, build, and explore in play. My boys needed to play by  building and making things, the bigger the better. When they were younger blanket forts were sufficient, but as they grew the scope and size of the project did too. It’s how they manage collaborative play and it is crucial to helping them develop interpersonal skills. If you give a group of boys the materials and a little guidance you will be amazed at what they can come up with and how happy and fulfilled it makes them. Some of my favorite mom memories come from building things with my boys and exploring the outdoors with them. 

The last big difference I’ve noticed between boys and girls with regards to play is that it’s a lot easier to turn manual labor into play with boys. Because boys respond well to competition, like to be physically involved in the world around them, and need to be needed, I have found it easier to get them to see a job that involves a manual task as a chance for play than my girls. Sometimes they might play a little too much, but they have been more willing helpers and adventures. One small note on being needed, don’t insult your boys by pretending they are needed. They will know. Give them a job they are capable of doing and that holds a bit of a challenge, a job that actually has value or you will lose them and they won’t as readily trust the authenticity of your need again.